Big Feelings & Emotional Regulation for Young Children
It’s really hard to be a human, especially a tiny human. They can’t always communicate what they want, they’re completely dependent, and everything is new. While big feelings and emotional upheavals are a completely normal part of childhood development, knowing how to respond when your child is overwhelmed can be challenging for parents. Emotional regulation develops gradually, and children need different kinds of support as they navigate each stage.
If you’re a parent looking for clinically informed answers on what’s normal or seeking practical strategies for supporting your child’s emotional regulation, then you’re in the right place.
Big feelings & emotional regulation
Understanding emotional regulation in early childhood
Emotional regulation is not something children are born knowing how to do – it’s a developmental skill they learn through co-regulation. Co-regulation is a shared process or experience where individuals use a secure connection to calm and soothe big, sad, complex, or overwhelming emotions.
In other words, it’s nervous system syncing. Humans are innately social creatures with a natural instinct to seek out others when we’re stressed. We’re biologically programmed to mirror another’s body language, tone of voice, and presence – especially when that person is a primary caregiver. In this way, parents have an incredible amount of influence over their child’s emotional wellbeing and can use their adult emotional regulation skills to help their child navigate emotional moments.
Co-regulation is powerful. Not only does it influence the parent-child bond and lay the foundational footprints for the child’s attachment style (how they relate to and bond with others), but it is a prerequisite for self-regulation later on in life. Before a child can grow into a self-regulating, emotionally mature adult, they must experience the healing power of co-regulation in a safe, secure relationship with their parents.
What emotional regulation ‘looks like’ varies at every stage of early childhood. Additionally, what your child is capable of realistically managing independently evolves as their brain, language, relationships, and sense of self develops. As a parent, understanding what is developmentally appropriate can help you respond to your kiddo with greater confidence and compassion.
Here’s what to expect:
Babies are completely dependent on caregivers to help them feel safe, calm, and connected. Through thousands of small moments and relational queues including being held when they cry, comforted when they are distressed, and responded to when they communicate need, infants gradually build the emotional foundation required for future self-regulation.
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At this stage, emotional regulation looks like connection though…
- Responsive caregiving
- Predictable routines
- Soothing, safe touch
- Calm tones of voice
- Gentle somatic sounds and environments
All these things provide reassurance and help your baby’s developing nervous system learn what safety feels like. And as a child psychologist, I just want to say: “Moms and Dads, you do not have to respond perfectly every time. What matters most is the repeated experience of noticing, responding, and helping your child experience calm.” If there are persistent concerns about connection, feeding, sleep, bonding, social interaction, or frequent moments where distress feels difficult to soothe, additional support such as parent and family therapy may be helpful.
Enter the toddler. Between the ages of 1-3, your kiddo has discovered their sense of self, and their tiny ego has begun to form. This development helps them communicate some things now, but because they have very little impulse control, managing frustration is… well, they don’t know how to do it. Tantrums, emotional outbursts, and even behaviors like hitting or biting can be totally normal at this stage.
Your toddler still very much relies on you to be their regulator by helping them put words to their feelings, validating their frustration, and helping them verbally process disappointments.
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Parents can help them by…
- Maintaining very predictable routines and limits. If toddlers ‘know’ what to expect, they naturally default to the comfort of the rhythm instead of resistance.
- Offer simple ways to calm their bodies. Give them something to do, a healthy way to move, something else to focus on, and find calm ways to communicate the boundary and hold your ground without dismissing their tantrum. Offering appropriate choices can be a great way to redirect while honoring their autonomy. IE: Instead of saying, “I said no. Be quiet.” Try (in a calm voice), “I see that you’re frustrated. You can’t have ice cream now. You can have yogurt or blueberries – which one would you like?” You may need to repeat it a few times until it clicks.
- During a tantrum, maintaining a calm connection will be way more effective than reasoning with them or responding with an angry outburst of your own. Once they are regulated (calm), you can teach, repair, and move forward.
If tantrums are aggressive, frequent, intense, prolonged, or difficult to recover from, or if they significantly interfere with everyday life, consider additional support.
We’re getting there! Your kiddo should now be able to identify and talk about their emotions, but their regulation and processing skills are still very much under construction. One moment, you’ll be amazed at their independence. The next, they may be completely overwhelmed by frustration, disappointment, or overstimulation.
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Parents can help by…
- Setting an example. Model what regulation looks like in your own behavior.
- Help your child name emotions and put words to what’s bothering them. IE: “You’re really mad that we can’t go to the park because it’s raining. Your face is scrunched up and your body looks tense.”
- Practice coping strategies, like taking deep breaths, through play and everyday moments.
- During difficult moments, acknowledge the feeling while maintaining clear, reasonable limits.
- Save teaching, explaining, and problem-solving for when your child is calm – because kiddos are kind of like adults where it’s hard to ‘learn’ and put on our thinking caps when we’re upset. (We can relate, right?)
If emotional reactions are aggressive, persistent, unusually intense, interfere with daily functioning, or make it difficult for your child to participate successfully at home, school, or with peers, it may be worth consulting with a child and family resource.
At this point, children are developing greater capacity for self-regulation, problem-solving, social negotiating, and understanding their own emotions – but more capable does not mean fully independent. Their default is still strongly angled toward connection, and this is where they may struggle to self-advocate or find it difficult to communicate effectively when they’re feeling overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, or worried.
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At this stage, parents can help their child with emotional regulation by…
- Helping them notice emotional triggers and early warning signs.
- Gently reminding them of choice-consequences – not to threaten, but simply to help them make a better decision for themselves.
- Guiding them through emotional coping strategies, then help them reflect and verbally process what happened once they’re calm.
- Taking on the role of a coach, and helping them solve problems, repair relationships, and navigate challenges with peers without immediately neutralizing every unpleasant moment for them
If emotional or behavioral difficulties are intense, persistent, occur across multiple settings, or significantly affect your child’s relationships, school experience, or daily functioning, consulting with additional support may be beneficial.
While we know a lot about what to expect at each stage of a child’s development, every child and every family is uniquely wired. What’s ‘normal’ for one child may be cause for concern for another. The truth is there is no magic threshold for when a child’s big feelings become a reason to seek support.
My general rule is this…
If you as the parent or primary caregiver are frequently wondering whether your child’s reactions are typical, feeling unsure about how to respond, or if you’re noticing that emotional and/or behavioral challenges are making daily life harder for your family, it’s worth reaching out.
You do not have to wait until things feel overwhelming to ask for help. The years between 0-7 are deeply formative, and it’s very important to have a strong, secure, healthy parent-child dynamic. If you’re concerned, for any reason, please reach out.
How family therapy can help
Sometimes, the first step toward knowing how to help is understanding why you and your child may be struggling in the first place. Family-based psychotherapy can help parents understand themselves and their child in the context of their development, temperament, relationships and family – and then respond effectively in a way that is right for you and your family.
If you are interested in learning more, please visit my Family-Based Psychotherapy service page to explore how therapy can support your child and family. I offer in-person therapy services to clients at my physical office in Rhode Island as well as virtual therapy to families in these 40 participating US states.
Alternatively, if you suspect professional support may be beneficial but aren’t sure what ‘type’ may be most suitable, my Consultation & Assessment service can help lend clarity to your situation and provide guidance regarding available options.
For more information please visit my FAQ page.